this is what prom looked like to me

I’m supposed to have fun. I’m supposed to have fun. Except my vision is blurred and all I can see is through a small viewfinder. My hand is aching from holding down the shutter button too long because the camera won’t take the picture because the flash isn’t working because the focus won’t focus because it’s so damn dark in there. And people are all around me laughing and dancing and telling me to dance with them but I can’t because I’m holding this giant of a camera because my feet don’t know how to move and my brain doesn’t know how to stop. I can’t stop seeing myself from outside my body. I am ridiculously conscious of how I look when I walk across the dance floor, when I run up the stairs to the balcony. I try to sit and take a break. I try to sit and remember that I’m supposed to have fun. This is the pinnacle of high school experiences. I can’t fuck this up too. I close my eyes and they’re playing Frankie Valli. I love Frankie Valli. Late December back in ’63. What a very special time for me. As I remember, what a night. The music is too loud, I can feel the sound waves vibrate from the floor against my shoes. I can feel it pound in my ears. I can feel it grab my heart and thump it against my chest. And all of the sudden it stops being the music. My hearts beating and it’s not the music but what is it. I haven’t moved in a while. I go back upstairs because the music’s less loud there and I look down at the dance floor and everyone but my heart is still beating too fast and now things are moving and I don’t know what’s going on but all the lights are blurring and I can’t hear anything but oh what a night! and everyone enjoying themselves. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I run upstairs, I’m not supposed to be here but I collapse and I start breathing too much. All the breath is trying to come out at once but that’s impossible so I’m choking on my own breathe and my eyes are blurry and my cheeks are wet and I’m making the ugliest noise I’ve ever heard. And I don’t know why.

so you think you're an adult?

With the drama that was encompassed partially in my previous post, I was determined to make the end of this silly month lovely. I mean, it was my eighteenth birthday so I thought that it should be special. And I didn't want it to be some party fest that my parents wanted or full of adventures and new things like my peers said it would be. No, I planned for two weeks a simple day with my closest friends. I woke up that morning to my little sister wishing me a happy birthday. I rolled back to sleep after waving her off. When I did get up, I got started with making things. I made green tea lemonade and cream cheese filled strawberries and veggie burgers topped with avocados. The kitchen was messy and I moved to all parts of the counter top and I enjoyed that because I was making something with my hands. Pat and Becca came over and we went to watch The Hunger Games and walked home to watch Battle Royale. I made some dinner and Becca and I joked about how Clara would never arrive. We ate a lot and laughed at lot and made fun of Clara a lot. We huddled in my room afterward, and got frustrated with my wireless internet, and painted our nails, and then we decided to watch one of my favorite movies. We ate some more and Becca passed out because she was sick. She still had her hydrating mask on so that was awkward.

I didn't have the most eventful birthday but I was happy with it. But the thought of being eighteen is so frightening. My dad told me the day before that now everything I do, I have to answer the consequences for. Everything I do, my parents have no say about. And although some may see that as freedom, I see it as a warning. I'm not ready for that responsibility. My inability to make choices are now going to affect me in such a larger scale. I have to start thinking about my future and I hate that the most because whenever I do, I always think about the end product. I imagine myself in a home, settled, lolly dallying around a lake. I can't really imagine how I 'm going to get there or what I'm going to do when there. I just know that that's where I want to be but isn't that where most people want to be? It's a common human goal. To own a home, secure in the monetary sense, happy with yourself. It's not ambitious but at the same time, I'm still so unsure that I'll be able to reach that goal.

A mid-life crisis?
At eighteen?
Oye.

my friends bought me a cake.

we try something new.

I printed the first three two months ago and the last two today so they're a tad different in contrast. Also, I should just shoot in film all the time because it makes me feel so much better. But although film is great and stuff, scanning is the worst thing and you can see an silhouette of my fingers in most of these. Thanks to Lilja for modeling. And LucyDucy for makeup.

wait, they call you a photographer?

Hah, so I never really found an excuse for not taking photos. I mean, I have been taking photos, but they're all just candids of friends and stuff. Not expanding my photography or anything. But I guess it's okay, because it's my senior year and I'd rather capture memories right now. I keep telling myself that I'll shoot some new things but the truth is that I don't have any ideas and the passion isn't there right now. I don't really know what passions I have right now. I'm not writing, I'm not taking photos, I'm not really thinking on a regular basis. I kind of just sit on my bed and watch movies and all my thoughts are revolved around that. I don't know, maybe I'm in a funk and I need to find a way out of it.

Anyways, these are some film photos from September to December. I haven't shot any film since then because I thought I lost my camera. . . . (The ones of me are shot by Becca)

forgot who took this but it wasn't becca~

Soho-bumming

Every once in a while I get uncomfortable around people. I put most of the blame on my inability to make friends at school and my attatchment to Becca and Clara. This time around, it was some of my classmates "teasing" me. It really bothered me because I didn't understand what about me they found so funny. They said it was because I didn't have a life, wasting it all on my movies, and T.V. shows, and books. But then I had to tell myself that I actually enjoy doing those things but I also go out once in a while.

The thing about Becca and Clara and even Tong and Tanya is that being around them, I can say nothing for forever and it'll feel alright. I can sit next to them and read my book and be silent for an hour and it'll feel comfortable. I like that. And I should remind myself that that's the type of friendship that I want and I should just ignore all the rest.

Today, I went to Soho with Becca and it was fun and made my feet hurt and made me wish I could live with Becca because that would be awesome.

The city looks best out of focus.

The best burgers in the world accompanied by the best root beer (from tap) and the best custard.

Impossible Project is now selling refurbished cameras!

Muji has the prettiest pens and socks.

The awkward moment when you wish you were a mannequin.

princess, princess, princess

I got my camera back after a month at repair and now I don't have an excuse for not taking photos but oh god, do I need one.