they said ...

I can't keep my thoughts together right now or be able to write them down coherently, and when I try, it doesn't get it all right, so that disappoints me. It's a feeling and I can't change it into something more tangible, something more lasting.

It was everything they said it was going to be and not like that at all. The feeling of everything around you disappearing doesn't happen, it just faded to black and I wasn't even there. It was darkness and then there were sparks. That part they got right. And a feeling in your tummy, right at the tippy top, a feeling in your heart, the jumpy kind. Yeah, they got that right too. 

till the sun sets

it's summer already because we see the lightning bugs fill up the field. every now and then we'd see a glimmer and we'd remember the times when we used to catch them and cry whenever they died the next day. we try to capture our childhood again. swings and the smell of rusty metal on your palms. the seats are too small for us now but it doesn't matter. the higher we go, the better we feel, the more we laugh. we are not adults. we are still children. at least for now.

this is what prom looked like to me

I’m supposed to have fun. I’m supposed to have fun. Except my vision is blurred and all I can see is through a small viewfinder. My hand is aching from holding down the shutter button too long because the camera won’t take the picture because the flash isn’t working because the focus won’t focus because it’s so damn dark in there. And people are all around me laughing and dancing and telling me to dance with them but I can’t because I’m holding this giant of a camera because my feet don’t know how to move and my brain doesn’t know how to stop. I can’t stop seeing myself from outside my body. I am ridiculously conscious of how I look when I walk across the dance floor, when I run up the stairs to the balcony. I try to sit and take a break. I try to sit and remember that I’m supposed to have fun. This is the pinnacle of high school experiences. I can’t fuck this up too. I close my eyes and they’re playing Frankie Valli. I love Frankie Valli. Late December back in ’63. What a very special time for me. As I remember, what a night. The music is too loud, I can feel the sound waves vibrate from the floor against my shoes. I can feel it pound in my ears. I can feel it grab my heart and thump it against my chest. And all of the sudden it stops being the music. My hearts beating and it’s not the music but what is it. I haven’t moved in a while. I go back upstairs because the music’s less loud there and I look down at the dance floor and everyone but my heart is still beating too fast and now things are moving and I don’t know what’s going on but all the lights are blurring and I can’t hear anything but oh what a night! and everyone enjoying themselves. I can’t breathe. I can’t see. I run upstairs, I’m not supposed to be here but I collapse and I start breathing too much. All the breath is trying to come out at once but that’s impossible so I’m choking on my own breathe and my eyes are blurry and my cheeks are wet and I’m making the ugliest noise I’ve ever heard. And I don’t know why.