there's got to be more than this

seasons

It's weird to have it all laid out next to each other. To go through them and realize how this was just a couple of months ago and how it feels like not a long time ago and yet so far away. I'm not the same person I was four months ago but I resemble the one seventeen months ago.

Angry?
Yeah.
Pathetic?
Check.

I like to say that I don't know why I feel like this. The inability to talk to people, the panic I feel whenever I take a step out of my room. I saw this all coming a while ago. All my pessimism was my subconscious telling me that all of this was going to happen. I hate it here. I do. And I lie to myself, say that I'll get out of here. I have to. I'm better than this place. But I'm not. My grades are crap because my ambition doesn't exist, and when it boils down to it, I'm not all that smart. I belong here, and that's why I hate it.

When you get enough time to yourself, you start to feel angry about how everyone else is so capable of moving on and living their lives. Because this is it, isn't it? This is the whole start of what is supposed to be my life. But I've let my fear take charge of my life this far, why did I think that that'd change all of a sudden. I see some middle school classmates around. That's funny all on itself, but I imagine sometimes that they don't remember me because why should they? Middle school was so long ago but I'm here living in the past, because I don't know how to live in the present.

Some days I feel like I can do it. That all these negatives feelings I have toward almost everything is only temporary. That it's part of my melodramatic tendencies. I hate those days the most because they make it so much harder to deal with the ones where I wake up feeling a hallowing kind of loneliness. 

they said ...

I can't keep my thoughts together right now or be able to write them down coherently, and when I try, it doesn't get it all right, so that disappoints me. It's a feeling and I can't change it into something more tangible, something more lasting.

It was everything they said it was going to be and not like that at all. The feeling of everything around you disappearing doesn't happen, it just faded to black and I wasn't even there. It was darkness and then there were sparks. That part they got right. And a feeling in your tummy, right at the tippy top, a feeling in your heart, the jumpy kind. Yeah, they got that right too. 

till the sun sets

it's summer already because we see the lightning bugs fill up the field. every now and then we'd see a glimmer and we'd remember the times when we used to catch them and cry whenever they died the next day. we try to capture our childhood again. swings and the smell of rusty metal on your palms. the seats are too small for us now but it doesn't matter. the higher we go, the better we feel, the more we laugh. we are not adults. we are still children. at least for now.

whatever, whatever

I started this seventeen months ago or something like that just because I wanted to take a portrait of myself that looked like a portrait that could be found in a locket or something but it became a documentation/diary sort of thing for me. This is what I have so far.

diligent
1/28/11

pathetic
4/11/11

lamentable
8/18/11

humdrum
11/08/11

complacent
5/21/12

naïve
6/18/12 

because viktoria said so

Really old photos from back when I had energy and motivation and all of those beautiful things.
I remember when I shot this that I thought the film was color until I went to drop it off at the photo place and they fucked up the contrast on some of them and it pisses me off.
Someday I'll reprint these and fix it all up.
Photos of the lovely Viktoria and her home.